Start of something new!

          My life has never been what I would describe as easy. Now I don't want you to roll your eyes and say ha whatever you just got a new home things must be easy for your family. Which let me tell you that rollercoaster that you go through during the "house buying experience" is BRUTAL! One day everything is so exciting, wonderful, and perfect and then it could be the next day or next hour you are getting news something isn't going as planned and you feel like you got punched in the gut.

      But that's not why I'm writing this post. I woke up today just feeling the same pain and well SADNESS that I have come to be oh so familiar with and i decided that maybe it was time to share with someone other than myself what I have been going through for a VERY long time.

     When I was 14 I was diagnosed with DEPRESSION and not just regular "oh your a teenager you are moody" like I saw everyone else being. NOPE i got the monster they call DEPRESSION. What a prize!!

       Let me tell you I have faked being happy and hyped and fun for a LOT of my life but inside I would feel ALONE, SAD, UGLY, and LOST. I tried to push through it, tried to listen to when my mom would try to "help", tried to talk myself out of it by saying people love you keep going. But still the ugly  beast would pull me down.

       Then came the ANTI DEPRESSANTS!!! Yay!!! These are going to make it all better!! Effexor, zoloft, wellbutrin to name a few. Some worked for a short time, some made me a zombie and numb on the inside, but without fail they would stop "working" and I would stop taking them. I always knew when they had stopped working as well as before  because  my mom would say "are you taking your pills" "you need to take your pill" but I had taken it and this is how I felt. Why take them if they are just going to make me feel the same or worse?

        Then came my parents separating and eventually divorcing and remarrying. If that doesnt mess with a teenage girl then you are a beast and are amazing.  It threw me through a whirlwind of crap. Then came the 3 different high schools that I thought would be good ideas. (No Kinzi no) Crazy ups and horrible downs. Finally graduated high school and wanted to find out what I was made of. Poor poor choices were made but some good learning experiences too!
      
        I got married 👰🤵and had a baby👨‍👩‍👧 shortly after shouldn't I be so happy with my life? I got the 2 things that I wanted more than anything in this world. Here comes my old friend and Depression and she  was like "oh no girl cant have that" 💥BAM💥 Crying with my baby not because I was just tired but I was scared has got to be the worst feeling in this world. No I wasn't scared she was going to take over my life or scared that everything was different. I was and am scared that I will be the mom who can't function, the mom that has to have her children take care and make sure she gets up and brushes her teeth kind of mom, the mom who is just a burden.  I dont think anyone wants to feel like that.

        I started writing this to just get things off my chest but I feel like maybe this is a good outlet for me. Maybe I'll make it a weekly thing. Maybe there is someone out there like me feeling as I do. Not sure if this post even works but hey it made me feel a little better.

         So if you are struggling too let me tell you  like the great Avril Lavigne says :
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand.

I'll be here! I'm fighting! I won't give up!!! You don't give up!!

Love,
Kinzi Jo